Mommy Blogs Have a Diversity Problem, But Should We Care?

Mainstream mommy blogs are the perennial awe and envy of mothers and even young childless professional women like me. For many of us, we can’t stop rubbernecking at these virtual journals of adorable children in homemade clothing, beautiful photos of mundane daily tasks, and well-groomed husbands who support lovely homes. But beyond meal planning, DIY crafts, and homeschooling agendas, mommy blogs exhibit something else: white female privilege. In other words, mommy blogs have a diversity problem.

As Sociological Images reports, only seven out of the top 100 mom blogs of 2011 are written by non-white women. Of those seven, four explicitly relate to the mother’s race in the blog titles. In contrast, the 93 white mommy bloggers generally do not write about how their race (yes, white people have race) affects their experiences as mothers. Statistically speaking, it makes sense. That those who have spare time to write blogs more likely to fall into higher income brackets, which in our country often correlates with marital status, race, and education.

I am a married woman. Being married garners all sorts of economic, social, political, and religious privileges. I get a bigger tax break than unmarried people (above a certain income level). I am respected and granted legitimacy for achieving such a coveted social status. Politically speaking, my definition and practice of marriage for the most part is not the subject of countless debates and lobbying efforts. Similarly, the church recognizes the legitimacy and holiness of my marriage, both in our country and around the world.

I am a white woman. My husband is white, too. Of course, white male privilege exercises additional advantages than white female privilege, but any disadvantages I face are squarely as a woman. Women of color experience these disadvantages differently as race and gender identities overlap in ways my race and gender do not.

I am an educated woman. In the next few years, I expect to become more educated, even over-educated, in order to grow professionally and personally. My husband is educated. In fact, by the end of this year, he’ll have the highest degree in his field. Maybe one day I will, too.

I am a married, white, educated woman blogger. And if this little experiment in documenting our journey from two to one continues to documenting a journey from two to one to three (or four or five), I will be a married, white, educated woman blogger who is also a mother, and a Christian feminist one at that.

The Redomestication of the American Woman

Check out my guest post on friend H's ForbesWoman blog today!

This is how it starts.  One week I am interested in sewing, the next homemade, plant-based cleaning products, and then poof! we move to the country or some trendy part of the city to grow organic crops in our yard and make our own soap.  “So you want us to become farmers?” my husband asks jokingly.  A farm town boy turned PhD chemist, he knows full well how my city girl instincts overrule any inclination for rural life.  “Oh, goodness, no.  I just want to live more simply, more intentionally, more authentically.  And possibly yes, grow some tomatoes in the backyard.”

What Men Want: M.R.S. Degrees or PhDs?

In the last century, conventional wisdom held that if a woman was more educated than her male counterpart, then she was less likely to be of marriageable quality.  In 1905, Popular Science Monthly explained that educated women develop "self-assertive, independent character [that makes it] impossible to love, honor, and obey [as a real wife should]."  Conversely, men gained more prestige and value as future husbands if they were more educated their their future wives.  Hence, the whole drama of hypergamy, or women "marrying up."

A few weeks ago, The New York Times reported that the values and expectations for marriage in the 1930s has changed quite a bit in the last 80 years (who would've guessed?).  As the chart above depicts, education and intelligence jumped from the 11th to 4th spot over the last several decades.  That's the biggest positive jump reported.  Interestingly, the biggest drop was from 10th to 18th place for chastity. To be honest, though, the green arrows (demonstrating an increase in importance) seem to point to shallow indicators of a woman's status in society: good looks, good financial prospect, favorable social status, etc.  The red arrows (demonstrating a decrease in importance) seem to relate to character: dependable, emotional maturity, pleasing disposition; and to relate to roles: industriousness, refinement, good cook/housekeeper, chastity, etc.

The rise and fall of these important characteristics shed light on how our society has changed since 1938.  Women by and large are no longer penalized (by being less marriageable) for being as or even more educated than their marital prospects.  After all, women now earn almost 60 percent of all bachelor degrees and more than half of masters and PhD degrees. And contrary to those who believe that this is somehow a bad thing, note that:

The higher a woman’s human capital in relation to her husband — measured by her educational resources and earnings potential — the more help with housework she actually gets from her mate. The degree to which housework is shared is now one of the two most important predictors of a woman’s marital satisfaction. And husbands benefit too, since studies show that women feel more sexually attracted to partners who pitch in. . [The New York Times]

Ah, yes, the whole unloading-the-dishwasher-as-aphrodisiac scenario.  Isn't it a win-win situation...at least for a small segment of the adult population in the United States, like myself, who have access to education and believe in marriage in the first place?

Lenten Reflection: The Unclean Woman

         Source: thisiscolossal.com via Danielle on Pinterest

[This was originally posted on my study abroad blog, From Russia with Love.  This Lenten season, I've returned to this experience again and again in prayer as M and I take disciplined, yet somewhat drastic, measures to grow in desperate dependence on Jesus.]

There are some five million people in the city of St. Petersburg. There are sixty-three stations in the metro system. Every day, some 3.43 million people utilize this transportation. A train arrives approximately every sixty seconds. There are at least ten cars to every train. I am not a statistician, and I gave up on math long ago, but imagine the (im)probability of the situation that ensued this afternoon. Truly one in a million...or billion.

Three friends and I walked down towards the far end of the metro station in order to enter a less crowded car. As the metro zoomed nearer, we stood normally, not anticipating anything abnormal for another venture into the city.

Двери открываются. We heard the familiar voice of the automated message tell us that the doors have opened. Двери закрываются. The doors shut forcefully as we find a seat.

I pick a seat near a mother and toddler. Across from me, there is another mother and toddler. How unusual, I thought. It is always such a blessing (and surprise) to see young children in Russia. But something does not seem right. The mother and child across from me begin to shift more towards the left. After a few seconds, they stand up and move to the other end of the train car.

My eyes squint and start to burn. Something in the air is irritating my eyes, my nose, my breathing. What is that? I turn to my friend next to me and comment, "It smells like a port-o-potty. What is that?" We do not know. Yet.

The mother and child next to me also begin to shift in their seats, noticeably uncomfortable as everyone else in this part of the car. I turn to her and ask her what that odor is. "Пахнет чем?" She does not say a word. She nods her head in the direction of the woman across from me. I am shocked. Horrified. Saddened.

The stench intensified in the cabin each time the train sped off from a stop. The flowing air circulated the odor. I breathed out of my mouth as much as possible. It felt suffocating.

Двери открываются. The doors open. A sea of people flood into the car, searching for seats. A woman sits down next to this woman, whose face is completely stuffed into the top of her winter jacket, whose head is covered with a puffy hood, hiding her eyes, her face, her hair.

Двери закрываются. I watch the woman's face who has just sat down. Moments later, she wrinkles her nose, gets up, and moves to sit next to me. I am suffocating again. This time it is from the profound sadness welling up inside of me. I feel completely helpless.  How selfish I am to think that.

Двери открываются. Not again. The doors open. People pack in like sardines. The crowd disperses away from the woman. One, two, three times I see people attempt to sit next to her in the three empty seats surrounding her (of a total six in one row). Two on one side, one on the other. My heart breaks, and I begin to pray, remembering the story of the Bleeding Woman.

Двери закрываются. An older woman walks down towards the empty sets from the end of the car. This time, the woman sits directly in-between the hooded woman and my friend even though there is a seat available two spots away from her. Nonetheless, she walks triumphantly over to the woman, whose bag is somewhat strewn over part of the seat. The older woman snatches the bottom and pushes it onto her neighbor's lap. She sits. Not two seconds later, she gets up, scowling.

The hooded woman clutched her bag with red and white knuckles. She lowered her head deeper and deeper into her coat. She puts her head to her bag on her knees. No one can see her eyes, her face, her hair. I pray harder as I stare at her black boots, turned inwards towards one another.

Oh Lord, You are the only One who can see her face. Even though we turn away and even move away, You move closer. Even though we close our eyes and we turn our faces, You see her. I imagine you sitting right next to her, holding her hands, looking into her eyes, speaking her language in a prayer. Somehow, God, show her that you love her.

A few minutes later, she looks up. I see her face. The piercing green eyes, similar to those of the famous Afghan girl on the cover of National Geographic. She looks around to those who have moved away. She shifts her boots. She lowers her head to her knees. When the train jerks back and forth, she lets it shuffle her in her seat.

I think, What was in those eyes? Vengeance? Sorrow? Suffering? I have no idea, and I am ashamed and saddened as I continue to pray for this woman. After all, she may be unclean on the outside like the gray-black slush of the streets, but she may also have a clean heart as white as fresh snow on the frozen Neva River.

Двери открываются.
Двери закрываются.

And then that whisper.  That still, small whisper: Why don't you sit next to her?  You are My hands and My feet.
 
The Bleeding Woman (Mark 5:24-34)
A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"

"You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' "

But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

of socks and statistics

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a panel discussion on award-winning playwright David Mamet’s play “RACE” now showing in Chicago after years on Broadway. The show centers around an allegation of sexual assault by an African American woman, who strangely is never shown, heard, or even given a name in the play. The alleged perpetrator is a wealthy white man who prepares a defense with the help of a law firm with two partners: one white, one black.

The panel was comprised of advocates in the community from a rape crisis center, a women’s organization, a feminist film-making company, and a male-led activist group that teachers young men to confront rape culture. On the way home from the discussion, I felt compelled to practice a self-care tactic: writing poetry. Below is my raw reaction as I processed on the train ride home. (Hint: the wooly socks relate to this heart-warming story from Mark Batterson’s new book, The Circle Maker.)

***

The effective tagline for “RACE" is “a familiar story to an audience unfamiliar to discourse on how we are all complicit in rape culture.” Of course, no one would see the play if the tagline were realistic. Some go because the posters have boobs and glitz – maybe it’s a musical, instead?

The lips of the advocate dance with spits of statistics. One in four. One in six. Your numbers don’t faze me. I’ve said them before myself. They roll off the tongue seen in my mind’s eye like the familiar pitter-patter and lactic acid build-up of my marathoning days. But I grow breathless. My muscles ache too soon. The putrid smell of the advocate’s numbers – lives – burns my eyes.

so
many
shattered
souls

Stalin said that one death was a tragedy; one million deaths is a statistic.

It’s all connected, I mumble, as the sulfur seeps into the salaciousness of the accented beauty: “Men, it’s simple. Give, and you shall receive.”

skirt too short
drank too much
too much a woman
too little a woman
should’ve known better
asking for it
transactional
misunderstanding

The culprit is invisible by choice, hidden behind the impenetrable walls of power and privilege, the corrosive elements of inequality. The victim is invisibilized by necessity. A soul cannot be a soul in a slut.

But
   Wooly
       Socks
           Warm
               That
                  Slutty
                     Soul

Warm until we run out of socks.
Or stop needing to give them out in the first place.

Why do we need feminism if women and men are equal now?

Gender Across Borders, a global forum on women's issues in cultures and countries around the world, defines the f-word as:

Feminism is quite simply a struggle for women to have the same rights as men do, no less and no more, in order for both sexes to take advantage of their full potential and opportunities. Ultimately this means that women have the necessary rights to make their own decisions, regardless of what they may be. In today’s society where popular culture tells us that we ladies have come a long way, which is true but not entirely accurate, feminism may appear as outdated or inapplicable.

Did you notice the layout of this?  It starts out with a classic, not so controversial definition: women and men should be equal.  Then it goes into how that equality plays out: self-determination, often through the vehicle of informed choice.  The third step is describing pop culture's attempt to convince us that feminism isn't needed anymore because we've achieved parity; we are now in a post-feminist society.  (Whose society?)

Similarly, Julie Clawson, a Christian and writer often found on Sojourners, writes:

I had to speak up and challenge the assumed benefits of post-feminism. Just as the patriarchy kept women oppressed by telling us we need men to care for and or complete us, post-feminism holds women back by making us believe we can do it all on our own..Instead of networking and relying on friends to help them advance in this world, women often think they must be self-made in order to be considered successful. Instead of surrounding ourselves with a community of support, we women often feel that we must be strong enough to manage by ourselves. To me this is just another ploy to resist the goals of the feminist movement and keep women powerless and vulnerable. Men take advantage of such things, but women sacrifice the strong support structure of community in an attempt to live up to this post-feminist lie that they don’t need help from no one.

Both Gender Across Borders and Julie Clawson criticize the cultural assumption that feminism isn't needed anymore because (1) We've achieved gender equity and parity, and (2) Women can take care of themselves; isn't that what feminism is all about?

But what if it is about communities of men and women reaching their potential and seeking access to opportunities?  What if it is about teaching (mainly) men not to treat women as less than as a way to prevent violence against women in the first place?  What if is it about informed choice in the context of educating and elevating all to make the best decisions for themselves and their families? 

What if we stopped believing the lie that we live in a post-feminist world?  Or would that be too disturbing knowing that the Penn State ordeal, Herman Cain allegations, gendered violence during the Arab Spring, and so on are all connected?

Home Birth: Part II

Liz Rubincam / Reportage by Getty Images

[See here for my previous post on home birth.]

At the end of the spring semester before graduation, one of my dear mentors and friends took my former roommate and me out to lunch to say thank you for our service as co-chairs of Take Back the Night and co-producers of The Vagina Monologues. She gave us each a book related to our personalities and interests, and of course, they were feminist in nature. She gave me a book called For Her Own Good which describes two centuries of pseudoscientific answers to “the woman question.” I read it on our honeymoon while we tanned on the beach.

We need to figure out (with science) what is beneficial, to improve the safety of both homebirths and hospital births.  The obvious solution to the controversy is to offer choices that reduce perinatal stress, minimize interventions, and personalize birth—the great appeal of home birth and midwives—while ensuring a safe outcome with well-trained attendants and access to emergency facilities. [Babble: Being Pregnant]

Here are the main points of the book:

• Sexist notions and norms: Pathologizing women’s health conditions because they are women, which was (and is) perceived to be a derivative form of men, who embody what is “normal.”
• Emergence of obstetrics and gynecology as male-dominated medical professions: Over-medicalizing, often through dangerous interventions and absurd diagnoses, the natural processes of childbirth and childrearing, which led to the demise of trusted and tried midwifery.
• Domestic science: Preying on women’s fear of not being a good enough mother (especially in cooking, cleaning, and raising children), which was the precursor to home economics.

I am not a parent, nor am I expecting to be anytime soon. I cannot decide years in advance – assuming that we are biologically able to have children – how I would like to deliver a baby. But I can confidently say that I would like to be given all the options that are safe and healthy for our little family. One of those options may be home birth. Why not?  Shouldn't all the options be on the table?  Shouldn't we be informed about those options?

“When we turn birth experiences into an either-or dichotomy, we miss the opportunity to join our voices and advocate for changes in medical policies and research. That hurts all of us, but it especially hurts women who may lack the socio-economic privileges that the women at the forefront of these arguments are granted.” [Balancing Jane]

I would add that the either/or dichotomy only serves to perpetuate mommy wars on an additional, incredibly personal level: birth planning and childbirth.  And from all the moms (and dads) I know, mommy wars isn't helping anyone.

Inward Change, Outward Manifestation

on our honeymoon

For the first time as husband and wife, I introduce to you...

Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname!

A few months ago, M and I attended the wedding of another very special couple who we've gotten to know over regular sushi double dates last year. They are so passionate for each other and for their ministry together, and are an inspiration to all who come in contact with them. But as I said in a previous post, unity does not mean that we don't argue on any issues. It means that we respect one another's decisions and submit to one another to shed our self-centered pride on wanting to be "right" versus their "wrong." We must constantly remember that the "foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom" (1 Cor. 1:25).

For the first time as husband and wife, I introduce to you...

Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname!

Mr. and Ms. Michael and Danielle Vermeer!

The other day M sent me an article from Sojourners entitled, "What's in a Name?" The author, who has a hyphenated last name, laments:

"I try to give well-meaning folks who mess up my name the benefit of the doubt. Yet when these folks choose to disregard that pesky hyphen and impose conformity on me by dropping the middle “Weldon,” they deny a core aspect of my identity. Whether intentionally or not, these folks neglect a part of me by neglecting part of my name."

Afterwards, I told M that I didn't feel so lonely anymore. The author's words resonated with me as she described how "name changing can signify an act of transformation, assimilation, or oppression. When the Lord changes Sarai to Sarah, Simon to Peter, or Saul to Paul, there is an outward manifestation of an inward change of character and loyalties." Upon entering the lifelong covenant of marriage together, M and I experienced an inward change of character and loyalties; therefore, it seemed consistent with our values and goals to seek an outward manifestation of that. Our name is one of those ways.

I'm a bad wife and feminist because...

Mainstream society primarily tells me that I am a bad wife because I am a feminist, even if my feminism and its corresponding commitment to social justice is rooted deeply in my faith and my identity as a woman.  But society also tells me that I am less than a real woman because:

• I didn't take my husband's last name upon marriage. 
• I am more comfortable in flats than heels.
• I don't know how to blow dry my hair.
• I practice mutual submission in my marriage.
• I don't own a hair brush.
• I bite my finger nails.
• I am not all that domestic, even if I'm trying.
• I don't have any children.
• I may want to work even if I have children.
• I will be intentional in my parenting to avoid gendered toys.

For a complete list of ways that I somehow am unraveling the (patriarchy-based) family as the basic unit of society and leading other young women (and men) astray with my feminism, see Conservapedia's explanation of feminism.  (Read it with a glass of wine and imagine it's coming from Colbert, not real people.  It won't be as depressing then.)

Radical feminism, which more often than not butts heads with mainstream society, primarily tells me that I am a bad feminist because I am a wife.  After all, didn't Sheila Cronin, former leader of the National Organization of Women (NOW), say that all heterosexual marriage constitutes slavery?  But radical feminism also tells me that I am less than a real feminist because:

• I am a follower of Jesus.
• I practice submission in my marriage.
• I am sometimes ignorant of my own privileged biases and socialization.
• I wear makeup every day.
• I practiced some aspects of the purity movement.
• I am semi-addicted to Pinterest.
• I wrote love letters to my future husband.
• I wear dresses almost every day.
• I may want to stay home with my children.
• I got engaged very young and married right out of college.

M and I often feel like we are living in a third dimension beyond the stale, two-sided debates in society and culture. It sometimes feels like our feminism is more welcoming of our faith than our broader Christian community is of our commitment to social justice, especially for women and girls around the world.  At times, the reverse is true, as well.  But we are convinced that there is an alternative path in which people can authentically and wholly reach their God-given potential.  We think this whole marriage thing, this mysterious journey from two to one, has something to do with both of us finding this alternative.  And maybe finding some other like-minded people along the way.  Are you one of them?

The Politics of Nostalgia

                                                              Source: dressaday.com via Danielle on Pinterest

Nostalgia is a powerful emotional and political force in society. When coupled with a political agenda, it can be a frighteningly powerful force. Take, for instance, these insensitive comments a wealthy backer of a conservative presidential hopeful (no naming names, here):

Back in my day, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.

Or from this political blogger regarding the female attendees' attire at the recent Conservative Political Action Committee conference:

Women [at CPAC] will be future leaders, too, and I was dismayed to see how many of them either looked frumpish or like two-bit whores. First, are these young people being taught anything by their parents? I was at another service-oriented gathering of young women where the girls were in tight bandeau-skirts (you know, the kind of tube-top skirts that hookers wear on street corners?). They were sitting with their mothers. What is going on here?  Second, have women so internalized feminist dogma that they see themselves in only two ways? Butch, men-lite wannabes or 3rd wave sluts who empower themselves by screwing every available horndog man?  Neither path is a way to self-love and respect, mind you. Both tracks will inhibit future success.

According to her, feminism causes women to choose between being an unfeminine hag or a sexually liberated slut.  What options do anti-feminism provide?  Or is it option in the singular?  (I'm not even going to address her irresponsible and ignorant usage of "whore" and "hookers," either. This is classic woman-hating...from a woman.)

What do these comments, among many, many more being thrown out gratuitously like rice at a wedding, have to do with the politics of nostalgia?  A lot.

Matthew Lee Anderson explains in his response to Rachel Held Evan's "Ask a Christian Conservative..." post:

I'd say the conservative disposition is rooted in a deference to tradition, what Chesterton described as “the democracy of the dead.” In its degraded form, this gets reduced to a false nostalgia based on mythological readings of history. But at its best, the impulse recognizes that we have received goods worth holding on to and that social innovations tend to bring about negative consequences that we rarely foresee. Sometimes the devil you know is less dangerous than the devil that may come.

He aptly admits that this deference to tradition can be reduced to nostalgia for a false, mythologized perception of history.  For instance, the Bayer aspirin comment above is pregnant with the relentless virgin/whore dichotomy: women who are not sexually active are more valuable (marriageable, respectable, etc.) than women who are sexually active, unless they are mothers and wives.  The CPAC commentator mistakenly assumes that slut-shaming derives from the feminist movements of the last century and that these young women's mothers should know better than to let their post-feminist daughters dress like Snookie. 

Let's remember why we don't throw rice at weddings anymore (well, according to popular knowledge at least).  It kills living things.  It bloats them with empty space until they explode.  The people throwing it usually aren't cleaning up their messes.  And don't the politics of nostalgia do the same?

New Changes

I've made some new changes again.  Thanks for being patient as I try to navigate HTML code.  What do you think so far of the new look?  The older version was a bit too whimsical for me.  I think this version better suits my style for this blog...for now.

By the way, that dress in the banner is one of my vintage dresses.  I'm just a little bit obsessed.

The Vagina Monologues

In honor of attending The Vagina Monologues tonight with friends and family, I give you one of my favorite skits that is quite apropos during this heated political climate over contraception, women's sexuality, and access to sexual health care: "My Angry Vagina." (Note: Profanity included.)

What makes you come alive?

                                                                                     Source: dailymail.co.uk via Danielle on Pinterest

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

-Howard Thurman

 

Hillsong United
"Awakening"

In our hearts Lord
In this nation
Awakening

Holy Spirit, we desire
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul
Awake my soul and sing

For the world You love
Your will be done
Let Your will be done in me

In Your presence
In Your power
Awakening...

 Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice say
This is my awakening

Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing

From the darkness comes a light
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing

Only You can raise a life
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing

(You may remember this song from the bridal processional at our wedding.)

San Francisco

While it's been over a month since M and I took a long weekend to visit friends in San Francisco, I am only posting these pictures now because I somehow deleted them from my camera before uploading them to the computer.  My wonderful husband worked diligently on restoring the lost pictures while I lamented, "What is wrong with my computer?!"  Apparently, that is one the sayings in this internet meme along with my other favorites: "Can you do me a favor?" and "Oh, I had such a great sleep."

this is what a feminist looks like

Today I am profiled at The Mamafesto, one of my favorite blogs that discusses the intersection of motherhood and feminism.

In my own words:
When someone says, “I’m not a feminist, but…” and then defend a pro-woman stance, such as equal pay for equal work, I tell him/her: “That makes you a feminist.” We need to own it.

If you are interested in participating in the “This is what a feminist looks like” series, let Mamfesto know by filling out this form!

My Vintage Dress Shop Is Here!

Source: itsdelovely.tumblr.com via Danielle on Pinterest

You may have noticed some changes around here.  For one, I've updated the tabs (see above).  You can now read more about our wedding and marriage and read popular posts labeled about feminism and/or faith.  But what I am really proud of is the launch of my vintage dress boutique!

For over a decade, I've frequented thrift, consignment, and resale stores for designer and gently used clothes, accessories, and of course, vintage dresses.  I've posted about my hunt for treasures like Cinderella-inspired dresses, floral summer day dresses, and trying to sell some to a consignment shop in DC.  After accumulating over 20 dresses, I decided to buckle down and give it a try.

But I have some outstanding questions I voiced back last fall.  I am hoping to sell them to a vintage store or eventually through my Style and/or Etsy shops. Would you or anyone else you know be interested? Do you know anyone who has done this? What's your favorite shop to get unique vintage clothing?

"I believe in equal rights for women, but I'm not a feminist."

Far too often, I hear from my peers that they believe in equal rights, equal pay, and ending gender-based violence, but they would never call themselves feminists.  Frankly, it's getting old.  So here is one very thorough explanation of the "straw feminist" argument that permeates many facets of our society: "Tropes vs. Women: #6 The Straw Feminist."

 

Excerpt
"There's a nine-episode story arc in the third season of Veronica Mars about a series of rapes that occur on the university campus.  A group of 'straw feminists' on campus hold demonstrations, volunteer with the ride home safe campus program to escort young women home, and demand that the university institute an official sexual code of conduct.  All of these are rational, logical, and important steps to creating safer college campuses; however, the writes quickly dismiss these characters are irrational, stubborn, pig-headed man-haters, and it servers to fulfill the tired old stereotype about angry and militant women of color.  In just a handful of episodes, the writes of Veronica Mars undermined the work that thousands of students are doing globally on their campuses to end violence against women."

I worked for the equal rights of women on campus through feminist and faith groups.  I wrote one of my senior theses about improving the response to sexual and relationship violence on campus, including revising our code of conduct.  I co-produced The Vagina Monologues.  I am a feminist.

"The 'straw feminist' is set up to perpetuate and advance the myth that feminism is no longer needed, that we've arrived at gender equality, and anyone who disagrees is quickly demeaned and portrayed as an extremist.  This trope represents a backlash against feminism and groups supporting women's rights.  As women make more gains toward equality, the backlash gets stronger.  It's an old, yet effective tactic that clearly is working because I often hear young women say, "I believe in the equal rights of women, but I'm not a feminist."

I believe in the equal rights of women because I am a feminist.

Home Birth: Part I

via CNN

Now that M and I are married, I’ve encountered a whole new level of what it means to be a woman and a feminist. While it is still a ways off, we’ve begun to educate ourselves on the “next big step” in our marriage: children (whether biological or adopted). We want to better understand fertility, childbirth, childrearing, and parenthood. We want to make informed choices, not just choose from a limited list, which is inherently incomprehensive and biased toward “conventional” or “normal” (whatever those terms mean according to what’s fashionable in the moment).

“I fully support a woman's decision to have a home birth. I was very frustrated by my hospital experience and felt that I was not respected or treated with compassion...I think that women should be allowed to make sound judgments about their own birthing experiences, weigh any risks for themselves, and be informed advocates for their actions. However, I think that the way this conversation gets framed is damaging all of us, and some of us more than others.” [Balancing Jane]

That educational process has brought me to the subject of home birth, which apparently is a rising trend among expectant mothers – well, white, thirty-something, educated (and presumably wealthier) expectant mothers.   By some estimates, home births are up nearly 30% since 2004.  According to Eileen Beard, a senior practice advisor for the American College of Nurse-Midwives, “Home births are all about personal choice.” A midwife for almost 35 years, Beard has attended the births of thousands of babies. Attended – she specifies, not delivered –because it is the mother who delivers. [For the love of all that is holy, do not Google image "home birth" if you have a weak stomach.]

“Beard said women are becoming more aware that they have a choice when it comes to having their baby. Mothers often choose to deliver at home because they embrace the idea that giving birth is a normal, physiological process.”

A normal, physiological process that cannot be divorced from discussions on privilege, race, class, and gender. As Balancing Jane explains, “These [statistics] tell us that the women who are likely to choose home birth are more likely to be highly educated, married, and white. In other words, the women who choose home birth are the ones who benefit the most from privilege in our society. To me, this means that these are the women who have the greatest access to information and the greatest ability to go against societal standards for birth through informed self-advocacy. They are also the ones who are likely able to afford the services of a midwife or doula if their insurance doesn't cover it (and they're the ones more likely to have insurance to begin with).”

"This is such a personal decision that women and their significant others need to make.  There are tremendous benefits to working with midwives and there are benefits to hospitals and Western medicine.  It's a waste of energy to fight about what's right or wrong." [Mother of three children.]

I never applied for membership in this (relatively) elite group, but I have always been part of it. It is not something to lament or ignore or downplay. I acknowledge that I am very privileged, and I more than likely will continue to be by the time we have children. Given that I already have access to information and have demonstrated the ability to go against societal standards, I am also more likely to succeed in shaping policies like allowing breastfeeding women to take untimed breaks during the LSAT or helping women gain access to family planning methods. And I would hope other women and men of privilege would do the same. 

Oh, Starry Night

This is so beautiful.  I probably should be showing a painting from our (adopted) namesake, but Van Gogh is my favorite painter of all time, and this interactive version is mesmerizing.

Enjoy!

Starry Night (interactive animation) from Petros Vrellis on Vimeo.

She Should Run

Not surprisingly, many people I knew in college wanted to run for office one day. Hardly any of them were women. In fact, three friends and I all object to ever running for office; we cringe at the very thought of our private lives (and bodies, and choices, and families) being scrutinized in sexist and inappropriate ways.

Women hold 90, or 16.8%, of the 535 seats in the 112th US Congress — 17, or 17.0%, of the 100 seats in the Senate and 73, or 16.8%, of the 435 seats in the House of Representatives. (Center for American Women and Politics, Rutgers University)

But our significant others (and in my case, my husband) tell a different story. Each of these men is at a different point along the political spectrum, yet all have considered seeking political office whether due to exasperation at our uninspiring choices (for example, the 2010 Illinois Senate race) or due to a real commitment to public service. Why the clear divide between me and my friends (women) and our partners (men)?

The only answer I can give you is mine: the risks and costs outweigh the benefits. For example:

• Out of the over 13,000 members of Congress in our country' history, only 2% have been women. [via]
• Appearance is valued (and critiqued) over performance. [via]
• Pyramid of egregiousness. [via]

Analysts have predicted another “year of the woman” as political parties – especially the Democrats – gear up in this heated election year. Whether you are right or left, I think that we should all encourage the excellent, inspiring women in our lives to run for office. After all, our society would benefit from a change from “business as usual.”

Fashionably Ethical

[via GOOD]

 “Welcome to the thorny landscape of “ethical,” “sustainable,” “eco-friendly,” and “organic”-branded companies. Ethical terminology is highly marketable, but it’s hardly illuminating.”

The Triple Bottom Line of Fashion
It's well known that the phrase the "bottom line" and its degrees (double, triple) are related to business in the suits-and-ties sense, but what about the fashion business?  As this GOOD article explains, some sectors in the fashion industry are searching for a common language amidst seeking to alter the way business is done.  The Ethical Fashion Forum has defined the terms of its triple bottom line: (1) social, (2) environmental, and (3) commercial sustainability.

Pro
It's a start.  The author encourages us, "Today, we as consumers have a lot of power to affect change in the clothes we wear."  And it's true.  In fact, women comprise 86 percent of purchasing power in the United States.  That's a lot of power to affect positive change for our families, health, communities, and world.  People are already innovating in some really interesting ways.

Con
We're all still "plucking blindly" as the author puts it.  As my friend K recently wrote, we don't know if relatively more expensive retailers (Banana Republic, Burberry, etc.) are any better than cheap manufacturers of the latest fashions (Forver21, H&M, etc.).  More expensive does not necessarily equate to better working conditions or higher wages for factory workers or even more ethically-sourced materials like cotton.

So what more can we do to hold our companies and stories accountable?
Do we really want to know what goes into making our clothes?

How men and women see color differently.

This infographic is so funny to M and me.  

It sums up our discussion on colors to paint the bathroom wall perfectly 

("sea foam green" versus just "green").

Did you notice that they misspelled "sea foam"? :)

Miss Representation: Part I

 
Getting the Facts Straight
Our usual Sunday routine consists of going to church and spending time with my family, usually at my parents’ house. M does the weekend crossword puzzle; I clip and organize coupons. Most often, some political roundtable show is on in the background while my Dad reads the Sunday New York Times. One particular Sunday, we changed it up a bit: we watched Miss Representation, a new documentary on how the sexualization of women in girls in our media-oversaturated society is harming all of us, particularly the next generation.  More resources and information are available, but here are some quick facts:

Our marriage is based on love, not power.

Our church is going through an interesting series called “Family Matters.”  Last week, our pastor spoke on the first part of Ephesians 5.  You may know it as a beautiful passage on unity in marriage and the church.  Or you may see it as a misogynistic description of hierarchical power of husbands over wives.  Given these two interpretations – and extremes, at that – which one is right?

[practicing peace] war on women

There’s a lot of mire and muck in our broken world, but M and I don’t want to let it get us down. Instead, we’re going to be practicing peacefulness by focusing on peace.

But, there were three things that disheartened me this week:

1. Mark Driscoll 
2. Susan G. Komen Foundation 
3. Content of Miss Representation

Yet, there were three things that brought me peace this week:

1. Rachel Held Evans
I have been so encouraged lately to read Rachel’s posts, especially this one where she calls on the good men in the church, our brothers in Christ, to stand up to Mark Driscoll and his bullying. For far too long, good men have stood by the wayside in confronting the abuses in patriarchal societies, leaving it to Rachel and other women to be branded “angry feminists” (and therefore discredited and dismissed) in the process.

2. Grassroots Support for Planned Parenthood
As soon it hit the headlines that the Susan G. Komen Foundation (supposedly) bowed to pressure from politically-minded donors (like a lot of other institutions in our country), grassroots support for Planned Parenthood erupted. In one day, the number of online donors went from 100 or 200 to 6,000 – at least a 2,000% increase.  A couple days later, the Foundation reversed its decision to revoke funding.

See below for the actual breakdown of services that PP provides to low-income, many of whom would not otherwise be able to afford preventive healthcare such as pap smears or breast cancer screenings – which actually ends up saving taxpayers a lot of money.

[The Washington Post]

3. Attendees of Miss Representation
In a future post, I will mention the incredibly strong and wise women who shared their reactions to the film in the “talk back” session after the viewing. I’ve been inspired by the organization’s outreach and inclusion, particularly to the generation that has/is being most hard hit by media’s incessant war on emotional (leading to high rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide), physical (eating disorders, self-harm), and spiritual health (isolation, loss of sense of purpose and worth).

The war on women continues, but men and women continue to wage peace.

Mad Hatter

Shabby Apple, one of my favorite vintage-inspired clothing retailers, just launched a new line called Mad Hatter.  I am loving the combination of feminine lace, jewel tones, and floral.  What do you think?

Don't forget to use this referral link to get 15% off automatically!

Christian Feminist: A Definition

maybe I can entice you to be my Christian feminist friend with wedding pictures

It’s been almost a year since I started advertising for Christian feminist friends. No one has stepped up to the plate since then, but I am not giving up hope. I’m going to persist in prayer and searching as I learn to pray like it depends on God, but work like it depends on me.

I've described my struggle to find a like-minded full-blown Christian and proud feminist here. But it's worth a refresher:

The difficulty we've encountered is finding people who proudly and unapologetically identify as both Christian and feminist.

Not proudly Christian and anti-feminist.
Not anti-Christian and quasi-feminist.
Not quasi-Christian and semi-feminist.
Not semi-Christian and proudly feminist...
….okay, you get the picture.

Definition 
[ from christian feminism blog ]

what is christian feminism? why don’t we start with what it is not.

christian feminism is not about hating men.
christian feminism is not derived from liberalism.
christian feminism is not secular feminism.
christian feminism does not think men and women are the same.
christian feminism does not think women are superior to men.
christian feminism is not just for women.

as we understand it, christian feminism sees, from scripture, that men and women are equal in matters of ministry, leadership and marriage. it sees both similarities and differences in women and men.

to clarify further, this blog is neither liberal nor conservative as we eschew both those positions and see them as a false dichotomy. we believe the bible to be true and the inspired word of God but we also see the necessity of interpreting the bible in context. it is a both/and rather than an either/or. we also see the importance of considering the full counsel of scripture on any issue rather than considering only selected passages. we consider scripture, tradition, reason and experience (known as the wesleyan quadrilateral) under the guidance of the holy spirit in coming to theological conclusions. 

Praxis 
[ continued from christian feminism blog ]

as christians we are feminists in the tradition of the first-wave feminists of the 19th & early 20th centuries—many of whom were christians who fought for the abolition of slavery and the rights of women (e.g. women’s suffrage).

[ from my definition ] 

I am looking for people to challenge me in my consumption, in my selfishness, and in my lack of trust in God. I am looking for friends who live out the gospel. Who seek justice for the widow, the orphan, and the oppressed. Who let the light of Christ illuminate the darkness in their backyard and around the world. Who love others unselfishly. Who have high standards of holiness and purity in all of their relationships and especially their intimate relationships. Who are honest with themselves and others. Who know who they are because they know Whose they are.


I am looking for people to challenge me in my ignorance, in my privilege, and in my aspirations. I am looking for friends who comfortably discuss issues of patriarchy, sexism, and rape culture. Who read about university students fighting for their Title IX rights. Who give credence to the many women and men before us who fought for the right to vote and work alongside men. Who challenge the status quo. Who understand that the personal is the political. Who speak out respectfully, but forcefully, against bigotry and violence.

Anyone else out there?

Feminist Outlook, Not So Feminist Look

My favorite two boards I’ve created on Pinterest are called “This is what a feminist looks like” and “Vintage.” Can you imagine what a hybrid of these two would look like? I think it would look something like this:

That could be a recipe or Ms. magazine...who knows?

+

She may also not tolerate growth hormones in milk.

+

Sometimes she even carries her baby this way ;-).

The only people in my peer group who married as early as I did certainly don’t consider themselves feminist in the least. If anything, they think feminism is one of the greatest tragedies of the 20th (and now 21st) century. The stereotypes are well known.

Sound familiar? One day, I hope it sounds ridiculous to oppose the core tenets of feminism – equity, inclusion, justice, agency. I hope we don’t have Law and Order: SVU episodes mirror real life events. I hope the next generation plays with toys that stimulate their imaginations and interests, not those that are marketed in blue and pink to bully them into a narrow expectation of their potential based on their gender. Most of all, I hope that our children learn – primarily from M and me – to look past stereotypes and believe, for instance, that it is possible to fight the ills of patriarchy while wearing a floral, A-line dress.

The Ethics of "Feminist" Revenge

[via]

The famed protagonist of the wildly successful The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series, Lisbeth Salander, was once called a “feminist revenge fantasy” for operating according to her own moral code.  While some would call it “vigilante justice,” others would call what Lisbeth does in the books and movie righteous in some way.  After all, the vast majority of victims in the Millennium Triology as well as in real life never attain justice through the legal system for the violent, dehumanizing crimes perpetrated against them. 

There have been other strong female leaders that seek revenge as the main premise of the movie within the last year:

• Hanna (loved it – and it passed the Bechdel test)
• Salt (liked it a lot – but it barely passed the Bechdel test, probably because it originally was written for a male lead: Tom Cruise)
• And now Haywire.

Despite the fact that it didn’t even pass the Bechdel test and she was the only woman in the movie (besides extras), the film was jam-packed with every ounce of violence you’d expect from an action movie with a male lead.  The star, Gina Carano, who is a mixed martial arts professional in real life, is so badass that she even accidentally clocked another actor with a vase while filming one fight scene.

At one point in the movie, another kill-for-hire plots to set Gina’s character Mallory up.  He asks, “Can she handle herself?”  Yes, she certainly can.  “I’ve never killed a woman before,” he responds.  The informant clarifies: “Oh, I wouldn’t think of her as a woman.  I wouldn’t think of her as a woman at all.”  Giggles from the audience erupted.

As we walked out of the movie, I told M that the scene described above confirmed my disappointment in the movie.  It was a low blow.  It insinuated that she isn’t a real woman because she can defend herself.  Even though she is an ex-Marine, she fights and even kills.  And that’s not a very ladylike thing to do.  A "real woman" would let a man come rescue her.  M disagreed, stating that he didn’t think that was the intention of that scene.  He thought that the informant was trying to reassure the killer-to-be that he could kill her like any other man.   

But then why did people laugh in the theater?