How A Very Private Person Learned to Blog Publicly

On many an occasion growing up, my parents chastised me for being “selective” with my communication. I didn’t tell lies. I wasn’t even dishonest, withholding some of the truth. After all, as I described in recalling this mortifying memory of my dad at Dunkin’ Donuts, I was raised by an Atticus Finch-like lawyer dad and rule-loving teacher mom. I told the truth. (Well, most of the time.)

But they were right -- I was a selective communicator, and in many ways, still am. I gave only enough information as I thought necessary. This bare minimum of communication seemingly safeguarded my privacy, even if it frustrated my parents and distanced me from them. This selectivity wasn’t meant to shut them out , let alone rebel against them as a turbulent teenager.

I just became comfortable being an intensely private person.

And then someone called me out on it: If I’m such a private person, how do I reconcile having such a public blog? Someone left this compelling comment on this post about hearing the voice of God in which I revealed some personal struggles of faith and body image.

You have mentioned many times that you are a very private person. While these posts are beautiful and well written, they do reveal incredibly intimate details about your faith and marriage. How do you reconcile your perception of yourself as a private person with your very public blog?

She’s right. I have written a number of times on this little blog how I consider myself to be an intensely private person, although blogging has certainly helped to open up my shell. But her question nagged at me beyond my response to her (below).

The short answer is that it is difficult, but that I'm not alone in balancing the public and private. For instance, the above story is a difficult one, but one that I felt was warranted and needed to be shared beyond myself. I share details that pertain to me in order to respect the privacy of my family and friends, but also protect much of who I am. In a sense, I "hold back" while blogging because, like you said, this is a very public blog. But it's also a way to tell stories that can help inspire and encourage others. In those instances, I feel like the sharing is worth it.

Here's the truth: for every detail I share about my marriage, faith, and feminism -- the core themes of this blog -- I leave out plenty more. It is certainly not in an effort to withhold critical information or even to distort the truth. In fact, one of my pet peeves in the blogging world is how many bloggers, especially those with considerable followings, share only the positives of life. Maybe that makes me a pessimist, but my skepticism overheats when days are filled with hipster styles, colorful organic food, and insanely adorable, never fussy babies. I know that they are choosing to share what they are grateful for, but part of me holds back, thinking, what if other people think this is their real life?

It is their real life, but there is always more than meets the eye. There are struggles. There are times when they don’t put on makeup or change out of their pajamas until afternoon (ahem, my every Saturday morning). They have serious doubts and failings. They’re simply human. They just put a positive spin on the little and big things in life. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

But I want more depth. I want to be challenged. I want a spiritual sliver embedded in my heart, infecting it with truth and mercy and justice and grace. A sliver that becomes inflamed with desire to love my husband more, pray more, seek beauty more, trust God more. More, more, more.

But I also want privacy. I want to protect others’ privacy, such as those who blog anonymously or under a pseudonym. I want to get to know others, but respect them that some things need and should be held back from such public platforms as blogs. I do it, so why shouldn’t I expect others to, too?

The truth is that there are some things that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to share even with my family and closest friends, let alone on this blog. In an age of over-sharing, of multiple social media platforms, of moderating comments, holding some things back is more than okay -- it is sacred.

Sarah Markley and 112+ commenters at A Deeper Story seem to agree. Check out this excerpt from Sarah’s recent post, “A Call for Privacy”:

Do we put pressure on the very normal life-livers {me included} to create drama in order to have something to post on Facebook? Do we help perpetuate a social media culture that values over sharing more than it values the right of someone to live privately and the right of someone to choose to under share?

I believe that we can live openly with one another and honestly, but still be wise and mature in our sharing.  Let’s be a people who value both the ones who share openly and the people who want to hold some of it back.

I couldn’t agree more. That’s why I refrain from blogging about sometimes lose-lose conversations like Chick-fil-A, even if I did have conversations “in real life” with friends and family. That’s why I don’t talk about my work, even if it’s a big part of my life. That’s why I don’t talk in detail about fights that my husband and I get in, even if it then seems like we have a conflict-free marriage (we don't; no one does).

As someone who is just learning the art of story sharing (not just story telling), I will continue to struggle with this balance. But I can rest assured that holding back doesn’t make me less honest or compelling. It makes me more me -- a private person who learned how to publicly blog about the questions and doubts and balancing acts that we call life.

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Do you hold some things back while blogging and writing? What would make you feel comfortable and safe sharing these thoughts? Do you consider yourself a private or a more open person? Let me know in the comments!


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Photo credit: Adam Czuprynski